When will I get to do what I want?
Kindergarten was hardly a memory. All I can re-call was me shooting a rubber band at a guy’s ears. Me going to the teacher so she could hold my hands and do those Chinese letters for me. Me rushing thru schwk so I can start playing as soon as I can.
When I was in primary school. I yearned to grow up. Never really wanted freedom. I bet I didn’t even know what freedom was at that time. All I wanted to do was grow up. So I can go to work. Instead of struggling thru confusing lessons of mathematics. And constant exam and test jitters and those ever-so familiar feeling of butterflies in ur tummy especially when u are collecting your results. (well, mine lasted till I got home.. for my results were always perpetually far from prefect… and so my life revolved around sch work, exams, tests and the occasional fun family times which were never enough to weigh down sufferings of school.
Next came secondary sch. Where I met some friends. True to call my own. Being there for each other all the time. Minor hiccups here and there. But nothing big to shake things up. At that time, I knew they were great friends. But I never really know how to appreciate them. Or rather too busy focusing on the VERY IMPORTANT EXAM for ur future in what they called O-levels. Struggled through it blurring the years. Those stress. Those pep talks. The counting down (when is it gonna be my turn) when u see ur seniors. Either crying in relief or regret when they collect their results. But as u go along. U forget ur friends who stood by u. some went of to overseas. Some went of to JCs and Polys. No matter where they went . no matter how hard u tried to keep in touch. It was never the same. Things changed. Everyone had a different path.
Finally I entered Poly. Screwed myself up for 2 years before realizing it was never what I wanted to do. I did the norm. or what was close to norm. Quit and enrolled to another course in another Poly. Never once looking back to the place I was screwed up. Even though it was a major screwed up, I learnt a very important lesson first-hand. Lessons that I never had as I was way too sheltered and protected. Lessons that I will take forever down the journey of life. The painful lessons of hypocrisy and back stabbing. But I took it like a man and came out stronger. Finally I entered a totally different learning experience at tertiary level. Everything was great. My friends. My classmates. The environment. The fooling around. It was an experience nv before. I finally had everything I wanted. Easy schooling. Freedom. I even had TIME. The only thing that was holding me back was MONEY.
But its wasn’t long to last. Before I knew it.. its was heart ache all over again. Not fair for it was too way too soon. But I accepted the fact. I cld hv slapped myself again and again thinking it was perfect. And then things got piled up. The projects. The exam stress. And the ultimate ATTACHMENTS. It almost suffocated me into depression. BUT HEY I had great frens. To spend time with and to chat. Aft tasting the life outside, I couldn’t bring myself home. HOME seemed too far. HOME was reality. And reality was far from perfect. I laughed and smiled. My only source of comfort. I struggled to get a lil more freedom that I needed and deserved. But I couldn’t balance. For time = money.
And now. As I realised I’m coming to the end of tertiary level. i feel sad. Like an avalanche of sorrow and fear. I feel like screaming. I do not want to enter working life. Sch seem tough. But working life is worse. U wont even be close to having ME time. Sure, at least u’ll get money. But who cares for money when u cant spend it??
If I could turn back time. I would enjoy school as much as I could. For studies would be one ONE and ONLY worry. Instead of wishing so hard tt phase was over. Instead of wondering so hard what good those lessons would make in future.
I guess. I will never be satisfied at what ever phrase my life is at. I wonder if they will ever be a point whreby I stopped looking back in dissatisfaction.
